I thought I knew pain. I mean I’ve experienced so many different kinds but here I am. Once again. At your mercy. Feeling lost, confused and wanting to give up. New pain is something else. Constant pain, so agonising that you no longer feel like going on, is something you will never really understand until it drags you down. I mean I thought I knew. I had seen so many of my loved ones experience chronic pain, ongoing pain. But hey we all think we know until we know.
This pain consumes you in a surreal way. I mean I try and try, each moment I try. But the pain persists. I’ve tried all the drugs, the remedies, the yoga, the mindfulness but here I am. Don’t get me wrong, my faith is here. But I am not okay. I really am not. I’m sick of trying to tell people I’m not okay and getting no feedback. At times I’ll get a sorry perhaps. I’ll never understand that, why are you sorry? I mean I just want some kind of care, perhaps some comfort. Pity does nothing but increase my negative mental state. I need some kind of healing. I just want you to listen, like really listen and as cliché as it feels help me feel like someday it will be okay. But that is something that I must forget. Because people give up. Your pain drains them. Somehow they forget to imagine the impact it must have on you. But hey, they’re important and self-preservation is important. I’m lucky I’m loved by the most amazing people but I don’t want to burden them with this awfulness.
But here I am, cold as usual. Aching, not that kind you’re thinking of, more of an agonising ache, along with stabbing, burning and beyond. I couldn’t really put it into words and I think if I did it would just be depressing and this is already way too real, typing these words. I’m just out here trying to process, to cope. To find some kind of relief. The drugs don’t help. My body is breaking. My shadow is fading. My mind is weak. But I have to be strong. If not for me, for the people I love. But this cycle hurts. Somehow I must continue to be me. To comfort others. To get my work done. To survive through it all. How I wonder, but I know I will carry on. I know my faith and those that love me ground. Today is just another awful day. Hopefully tomorrow is a good day and momentarily I will move on.
The problem is when I have moments of relief, they just make the pain feel so much worse. I mean I forgot what no pain felt like and the moment it arrives you want to forget the pain. You want this normality, the good kind. Then pain knocks on your door again. I’m told this is just life with chronic pain. I cannot accept this as my life. I am strong. But not strong enough to endure these feelings forever. But I must. For now at least. Remembering to hope that someday it will be over. I can live a normal life. Not a life like this. I mean it could be worse. I constantly remind myself of that. But there comes that really bad point where I am ready to fall off the edge and it gets more difficult. I mean just typing this, each press of the button hurts me in at least 6 places. My finger joints and wrists hate me. But what can I do but continue?
Don’t let yourself suffer alone.
I hope you never know what I mean by any of this and the pain you feel is eased and you feel peace. Don’t let your mind break you nor let your mind hurt, you’re strong but we all hurt.